My journey with confidence

“A flower doesn’t think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” Let’s start with my journey with confidence. When I look back, only a few years ago, and what I used to think about myself, I was under the impression of being one of those people who never doubted their self-worth. I honestly thought my confidence was unshakable because I knew myself enough and believed in myself no matter what. To be frank, this was a great lie I told myself, and I don’t know how to put it any differently. What’s interesting about all this is that I was completely unaware of how I truly felt deep down. And this is because it’s easy to attach to certain masks we wear and lose sight of who we are and how we truly feel about ourselves, both the good and the bad.

One day, it all resurfaced while I was in the midst of an emotional crisis that kept reminding me of those core wounds I had never wanted to face about myself but carried since childhood. Spiritually speaking, I was going through an awakening, a rebirth of some kind, and dying to the old self or who I thought I was in my head. The picture was getting clearer each and every day as I understood why I was so attached to a particular image or a limited sense of self. It was simply a web of attachments I had created in my head about who I was. This image or idea was based purely on survival or what I thought I needed to define myself and mask how I really felt in order to fit in and function in society.

The more I became aware, the more I released the attachments to who I thought I was and expanded my sense of self and awareness. Some may even call it an ego death, but a better term would be ego transcendence. All the masks I was attached to helped me blend easily, never be vulnerable, and never show any sign of weakness, even when it was detrimental to my own health and well-being. I was so out of tune with who I was and so disconnected from my heart and emotions that it didn’t matter whether I was among friends, coworkers, or family. I couldn’t connect with myself, and it took a great deal of pain to become aware of it.

Ego vs. real confidence

I will call ego false confidence because when I look back at my journey, I’m sure others may relate to what I have to say and hopefully come to the same realization. As I became more aware of all the different aspects I refused to see in me, I realized that the confidence I relied so heavily on was solely based on my looks or how much I could accomplish with my achievements and career goals. It wasn’t coming from a genuine place of being. It was false because although I believed in myself to a certain extent, if something didn’t pan out the way I wanted it to, especially regarding relationships or how much money I made, my world would come crashing down. Like many, I would easily doubt my worth and struggle with negative emotions.

When I think of a confident person now, I realize that true confidence doesn’t come from anything outside ourselves or after reaching a certain goal because there’s always the next thing to achieve. Yes, those things can boost our self-esteem every so often, but it sure isn’t permanent. Even when having a stable relationship or career, the source of confidence is never acquired by external things but lies in how vulnerable and honest we are willing to be with ourselves and others. Often we like to think that confidence is simply an act of courage or a mask we put on as if it were some theatrical show. Fake it till you make it kind of deal. But true confidence comes from self-knowledge and understanding the depths of who you are, both in your mind and heart. True confidence shouldn’t rely on our relationship status, fame, how much money we make, or how many friends we have. Because when those things are gone, we’re left facing the depths of our being all over again.

How I built real confidence

My journey with finding confidence has been challenging. Like many, I had to build myself from the ground up a lot of times. At some point on my journey, I was faced with a big decision, and I remember the moment I chose to surrender and even said it out loud. “I’m ready.” I wasn’t sure who I said it to and what I was referring to exactly. But the feeling was familiar, and I knew I could either resist the information trying to come through or surrender to it this time. It was as if I had felt the calling before.

You see, a lot of this false confidence I mentioned previously also derived from my relationships in the past. I didn’t like being alone, and I couldn’t stand the thought of not having someone to depend on. I became aware of many core wounds and a sort of void that I needed to fill inside me. A void that, up until then, I tried to fill through my connections with other people. And when those people were gone, I was left with the same choice of facing myself and that cold, dark space that haunted me for years. I sought a false sense of security and confidence mainly through my relationships, how others treated me and how many career goals I could achieve.

Surrendering that day to those uncomfortable feelings felt like I was walking on fire, and I am not exaggerating energetically and emotionally speaking. Everything I thought I knew about myself and the world around me came crashing down. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, I couldn’t sit still, nor could I escape myself. I wanted to escape so badly. Escape from confronting those wounds and traumas I had buried and suppressed for so many years, but now resurfacing for me to finally face and hopefully accept one day. I had to face who I really was deep down and accept all those parts I didn’t like and had even forgotten. I had to face my shadow, the parts that I labeled unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and weak, and refused to witness solely to cope and survive.

Childhood conditioning, traumas & the subconscious

Every wound and trauma I experienced in the past resurfaced as if a volcano had erupted out of nowhere and without warning. I wasn’t expecting it, nor had anyone I knew talked about it before, at least in the way that I experienced it. Still, when I look back, it’s by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I couldn’t imagine my life without this significant event or awakening. All those opinions and voices of family members, teachers, friends, and strangers I had around me growing up became clearer by the day, only to realize that I am none of those things nor their opinions. I am not what that wounded person experienced during those early years. I realized that all the hurtful events and traumas I experienced as a child, even up until my early adolescent years, were simply things I witnessed, but I didn’t have to identify with those experiences or that person anymore.

I didn’t have to tell the same story over and over again. I could actually let go. I didn’t have to stay attached to those events and let them define me. I could let go of the pain and hurt and realize I could set myself free. Once I learned to let go of those attachments, I could choose a new story to tell and consciously co-create my reality with the help of the Universe. I remembered all the hurtful words that stuck with me since childhood, even until my early teens, that we unconsciously like to carry in our hearts and so easily make our own. I realized I wasn’t the product of other people’s opinions or actions toward me and their inability to show compassion and share the love I deserved. I realized that I am love, and I can tap into this unconditional love and have the compassion and understanding I sought from others from myself first. In a few words, I realized the conditioned self, bound by time and space, and set myself free.

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